Whatever you think of your computer, the simple fact is that you would probably be lost without it. So whether your PC drives you mad or saves your skin, you'll enjoy reading our humorous guide to those all-important technical terms.
Some alternative computer terminology
Cursor: Term applied to computer users who get abusive to their machines.
Booting the Computer: Applying size 16 Doc Martens to the system box after it keeps telling you there's not enough memory to run the application.
Hard Drive: A car with no engine.
Incompatibility: Any situation involving humans and computers.
Bits: The things scattered on the floor after you drop your computer down the stairs.
Hidden Files: Any files you need in a hurry.
Copy Protected: Any disk you really need to copy from.
Start-up Disk: The one disk you always manage to lose.
Windows: Point, press and panic.
Virus: I don't know what's wrong either.
Hardware: The part of the computer that makes a noise when you throw it out of the window.
Motherboard: The main circuit board responsible for checking that all the other circuit boards are eating properly and wearing clean underwear.
Spreadsheet: Telling lies in columns.
I remember when...
...A Hard Disk was more likely to be a medical condition.
...Desk Top Publishing was a book about furniture.
...Software for Windows was chamois leather.
...The only Business Graphics you saw in an office were on the wall of the staff toilet.
...Open Architecture was when the builder forgot to put the roof on.
...Copy Protection meant hiding your exam paper from the kid next to you.
...The only Optical Storage Device you could buy was a case for your spectacles.
...Artificial Intelligence was pretending to be clever.
...The things that needed Debugging were the beds in a cheap hotel.
...A Drop Down Menu was one you accidentally knocked off the table in a restaurant.
...A Multisync Monitor turned out to be the pupil in charge of the washroom.
...The only time you got an Ink Jet was when you bought a faulty fountain pen.
